No one ever asks the right questions.

The Perks of Adrenaline

I was just thinking, after much writing procrastination as I am prone to, how odd everyday life is for me. It reminds me, sort of, of why I’m always so sluggish and boring and moody. It’s sorta because I preprogrammed myself to be when I took up the writing pen. One needs to be able to turn your emotions every which way as a writer, I think. It helps with all sorts of things. The easiest way to do this, I’ve found, is through music. But, as a crappy side effect, my normal life without music in the background somewhere kinda sucks. I’m just sort of in limbo, without any of the cool, rushing emotions like I have when I’m writing. It reminds me of what we were talking about in class the other day, about how dopamine is the satisfaction of getting something you need, something you crave, the thing that gets you hooked on drugs. Then there’s adrenaline, which makes you focus and, admit it, dark. Both of these things I get mainly from music. Lily was telling me a couple of days ago that I operate better with a soundtrack. We were doing archery in gym class, and other students were playing DDR, and simply because the music was there, playing loudly and reverberating through me, I suddenly got better, more focused. I’d like to think that I can Fade into it, sometimes, or at least that’s what I feel like. I can get pictures from it, feelings. That’s what music is to me, and because I operate better with it – hell, am able to function at all with it – I’m suddenly an adrenaline and dopamine junky, albeit a fairly reserved one.

Which brings up another point that I was thinking about: why is it that I also function better right about now, circa midnight, and am exhausted and ordinary in the daylight? Is it because I’m usually playing my music, or watching movies that provoke the same effects? Or is it simply because it is the nighttime, and we, as humans, are preprogrammed to be more alert, more cautious when the moon is in the sky? Or is it even simply than that, and simply because, that for most people, nighttime becomes the few hours where your true personality flourishes, where you mind can become what it wants, with no prodding from human thoughts and human worries? Is it simply because we are more primitive, more animatistic, and we are all closet adrenaline junkies, out looking for a fix?

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